Editor by Article News, Bean Zoebelle
Aquinas College: a place to get a liberal arts higher education, experience an institution grounded in Catholic ideals, and… discover your inner masculinity?
That’s right. Aquinas has officially gone All-Men.
Aquinas’ transition to an all-men college was a nearly unanimous decision. Most college officials were already men and those who weren’t were tired of being a female college official.
According to Constantia Verbosa, “I was just about to call it quits anyway. The academic life isn’t one for me. I want to sew and become placid, like pudding, and just sit around all the time.”
The real problem was what to do with all of the female-occupied spaces on campus. With all the women leaving in the next year, there would be several places that would need to be reclaimed, particularly the women’s restrooms and living quarters. ResLife has suggested temporarily converting the women’s restrooms into locker rooms for the men to play and converse, with or without garments.
The Aquinas women waving goodbye, image courtesy of Masterfile
The men on campus are happy with the change thus far. No women means the campus is half as populated as it was before and has twice the potential. Without women’s sports, gender studies, and tampons lying all over the place, the men are free to explore both physically and intellectually.
Manly Dan claims, “The women were just getting in the way all the time. Now we have the potential to bring in new sports, maybe even wrestling or football. Things that have never been done before because the women didn’t want it.”
The Provost has stated that they’ve had nearly double the enrollment than they’ve had in previous years. Much of that has been attributed to the new motto: “To serve, protect, and empower the disadvantaged men of the world and create a safe space to strengthen bodily and mental muscles, occasionally wrestle others out in the open, and be educated in a place safe from the distractions of women.” This re-making of the Aquinas College motto was an effort of the newly founded Men’s Gender Studies department, the Men’s Historical Foundation, and the Center for Men, Inclusion, and Equity (previously known as CDI&E).
Aquinas’ transition to an All-Men College will be successfully finalized at the conclusion of the Spring 2024 semester.
Featured Image courtesy of Aquinas College Men’s Rugby
April Fools!
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