by Cynic Al and Spam iNajar, Guest Writers
A routine check of Ouiji Pond has led a local group of environmentalists to claim that Aquinas College has been using the stagnant body of water as a toxic waste dump. Members of ECHO, a group committed to screaming evidences of environmental disaster across campus, claim that they have witnessed chemistry and biology students dumping 55 gallon drums of soupy green liquid chemicals into the pond on behalf of college officials.
According to Dony T. Beef, leader of the underground network of environmentalists, the dumping was first discovered as they were making one of their alert patrols. “It was early in the Morning, and we saw a couple of students huddled like trolls underneath the Ouiji bridge.
At first we wrote it off as another gathering of the H.E.L.P House, but after closer examination we discovered that the students were laughing as they watched green goo ooze out of the drums.” Members of the Deans’ Council were in a meeting and were unavailable for comment on this controversial issue.
To solve this problem, the EPA (Environmentally Perturbed Association) of Aquinas College decided to probe the college officials for answers. Dean of Parking Services M. Pallmall, approached the unnamed decision makers with the option of funding for drainage and cement pavement of the pond. His reasoning was to provide faculty with additional parking opportunities. This will also relieve Campus Safety officers of their abundant bulk supply of student parking tickets for those students who will attempt to park there.
For those concerned with the future of the ducks and other infested aquatic life who previously inhibited Ouiji Pond, they have made plans to migrate to the Career Development Center pond.
(April Fools!)
The Saint 