by V.R.E. Rayle, Guest Writer
Aquinas College Residence Strife staff this week vehemently denied the rumor that an infestation of cockroaches in Regina Hall poses a health threat to residents of Regina Hall. “Absolutely untrue,” said Vice president of Student Under Development Glad Winker. “Those aren’t roaches, those are just Campus Safety Officers working under cover.” Residents of Regina Hall have complained of roaches since last August when a herd of cockroaches was reported to have ambushed a Domino’s Pizza delivery boy and left nothing but stale pepperoni.
“It was awful, man,” said Sophomore Jason Jason of Pentwater, “It was like total Kuwait, man. Bam, they just took over.” Meanwhile freshman Stephanie Tiffany Amber was Sent home to Burnips under mysterious circumstances. Her suite mates said she woke in the middle of the night screaming and clawing at her face. She said she had a dream that her face was covered with roaches. When she removed her hands, her eyebrows were gone.
“There is no truth to the rumor that roaches come out at night and eat your eyebrows,” said Director of Residence Strife Pamela Nobull. “Those girls who have been reporting have just been over-plucking.” Residents are speculating that the roaches are being attracted by the undelivered care-packages that the Residence Strife Staff has stashed in the basement.
Though the rumors of resident roaches are completely unreasonable, the Residence Strife Staff does ask that any other insect incidents be reported.
(April Fools!)
The Saint 