Grand Rapids announces plan to replace tap water with craft beer by 2020

Story by Mackenzie Murphy, Opinion Editor
Image courtesy of BuzzFeed

Grand Rapids, a mid-sized city in Western Michigan noted for being the first to put fluoride in its water and for hosting the world’s largest art competition,  approved plans on Sunday to stop providing its residents with tap water and instead start directly supplying them with craft beer.

The decision comes in response to the Anheuser-Busch InBev-SABMiller merger which threatens to push micro brews like Founders and Harmony Hall out of the alcoholic beverage market.

“We’re a craft beer city,” said Mayor George Heartwell in a press conference on Monday. “We can’t risk it with this big merger right around the corner. We need to make sure our citizens have an abundant supply of craft beer at all times or our local economy is doomed.”

When asked how small children would be prevented from drinking the beer, Mayor Heartwell had no comment but noted that the plan is already stimulating the economy, thus ultimately benefiting them anyway.

“Oh, it’s great,” said Walter Izenga, the founder of Pitt’s Brewing Co. located in Grand Rapids’ Southside neighborhood. “I’ve already hired 1,000 more brewmasters to help keep up with the supply.”

Residents from Flint and Detroit—two cities ravaged by unemployment in recent years—are flocking to Grand Rapids seeking employment. Most are able to find a job in a matter of hours.

“This has really benefited me,” said DeMarco Fitzgibbon, a former resident of Flint. “I don’t even have to worry about there being any lead in it!”

About the Writer…

Mackenzie Murphy
is a sophomore at Aquinas where she is the Opinion Editor for The Saint. She is also a freelance writer and high school debate coach. In her spare time, Mackenzie enjoys reading and geeking out over David Foster Wallace. Follow her on Twitter at @MurphyKenzio

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